You May Be a Twinkie if …

Versions of this list used to be all over the Web. I wanted to refer to it and found only this one, posted on Bravenet by “Lynne.”

(Whoops, here’s another one.)

(I see I resemble #37, but not in that order, and taking a lot more than a year for each one. Well, hell, I never got invited to a 49, either, at least not at a powwow.)

ETA: People have to stop being Pretendians soon, since the next generation may not even know what a “Twinkie” is!

You May Be A “Twinkie” If:

1 If you don’t know what a twinkie is…

2 If you think “twinkie” is a golden sponge cake…

3 If you’re a shaman, and all your friends are shamans too…

4 If you’ve never had slow elk before; you’d know if you did…

5 If when told you were having “Indian steak,” you complain that it’s just balogna…

6 If you don’t know what a rez rocket is…

7 If you want to work at the BIA, because they’re only trying to do a good job…

8 If you say you’re “part Indian”…

9 If you’re two-thirds Native American…

10 If you get stressed over the issue “Is it Indian or Native American?”…

11 If you gave yourself an authentic Indian name…

12 If you gave your dogs authentic Indian names…

13 If you named your kids after famous Indians…

14 If you’re a “Native American” because you’re a native of America…

15 If you conduct ceremonies in English…

16 If you actually CHOSE to live in the forest…

17 If you think Indians spend all their time communing with nature…

18 If your Asian Pride site is half about Indians…

19 If you ask every Indian you meet about vegetarian recipes…

20 If you think Indians should be honored by mascots and SUVs…

21 If you go to a reservation, and tell them to get rid of the skeletons, plant some native flowers, and put tipis up to make it look more “authentic”…

22 If you mention your blood quantum as soon as you meet someone…

23 If you think archaeologists should study Indian bones to see if they can find out anything new…

24 If you use the words buck, squaw, berdache, and shaman regularly and wonder why Indians are mad at you…

25 If you just adore Mary Summer Rain…

26 If you’ve studied Aztec martial arts…

27 If you’re Mexican, and proud of your pure Aztec lines…

28 If you’ve never heard of Leonard Peltier…

29 If you want to work at the BIA, because they’re really good people, and just trying to do their job…

30 If you’re Indian at heart…

31 If you were Indian in a past life…

32 If “we’re all red on the inside”…

33 If you think all Indians live in the past…

34 If, because of the war in , Indians should quit bitching because we’ve got bigger fish to fry…

35 If you don’t know what a CDIB is, and probably couldn’t get one if you did…

36 If you decided to be Indian after seeing an episode of Star Trek…

37 If last year you were into Buddhism, and the year before that you were a witch, and the year before that you were a Daoist, and the year before that…

38 If you own a Native American tarot deck…

39 If you wonder how your dream catcher fits into your feng shui…

40 If your Indian jewelry has MADE IN THAILAND stamped on it…

41 If your Indian spirit guide only speaks English…

42 If you’ve been in a unisex sweat lodge…

43 If you constructed your sweat lodge from instructions you found on the Internet…

44 If you see a swastika, and automatically assume there’s an anti-Semite nearby…

45 If you see a man wearing a mohawk, and assume he’s a punk rocker…

46 If you wear a mohawk, and you’re female…

47 If, when visiting Hopiland, you notice how many women got their hairdo from Star Wars…
48 If you don’t know if the headband you’re wearing is for men or women…

49 If you’re Native American because you’re African-American, and they all married in there somewhere…

50 If you think A is the first letter of the alphabet…

51 If you’ve got a Native American tattoo…

52 If you learned in a dream that your real name is Crystal Spirit Medicine Woman…

53 If you learned that you were Indian in a dream…

54 If you’re a “real Indian” because you’re from India…

55 If, during the switch dance, you jeer and make homophobic gestures at the dancers…

56 If you’ve never been to a 49…

57 If, after looking at this list, you say to someone, “You’ve never been to a 49 before? I go to them all the time. You’re such a twinkie”…

58 If your great-grandma was a Cherokee princess…

59 IF your great-grandpa was a Cherokee princess too…

60 If you think you’re but aren’t sure…

61 IF you bring your own food to powwows because you’re afraid there won’t be a McDonald’s…

62 If you wear a swimsuit to a powwow because it would be the perfect place to work on your tan…

63 If you don’t hang out with real Indians, just twinkies like yourself…

64 If you’re proud that you’re a twinkie…

65 If you make homophobic remarks when you see an Indian site linking to dickshovel.com…

66 If you come into my home without asking, and give it a “lived-in” appearance, and then rationalize it saying “We’re all related”…

67 If you say “This would all be better if you just united and worked together,” as if we didn’t think of that OBVIOUS idea already…

68 If you begin your page with “Osi’yo” and end it with “Mitakuye oyasin”…

69 If you’ve ever engaged taken a quodoushka class (Appropos that this is #69 ennit?)…

70 If you’re from the rez in Oklahoma…

71 If you think apples are for eating…

72 If you want to know where you can apply to get your Indian name…

73 If you have “Native American scent” air freshener…

74 If you have never stood next to a dancer after five hours of powwow in the hot sun and think that Native American scent is something you’d want to have in your car…

75 If you bought a medicine bag, and wonder what’s in it…

76 If you wonder why an abalone shell has holes in it…

77 If you bought the soundtrack to Disney’s Pocahontas and sing along…

78 If you think heya heyaya is the Indian word for God, because it’s in all their songs…

79 If you had your brother-in-law airbrush a big eagle on the tailgate of your pickup truck and you’re not a Harley fan…

80 If your mother gave you a t-shirt with a picture of a scantily-clad woman petting a wolf on it…

81 If you’ve ever mistaken an Italian gentleman for a Lakota chief…

82 If you refer to all Sioux as Lakota, even the Dakota and Nakota…

83 If your bumper sticker has a quote from Chief Seattle instead of AIM…

84 If you’re opposed to the Makah whale hunt and claim to be pro-Indian…

85 If you discovered your Indian blood in a dream…

86 If, when you meet a real Indian, you hold out your hand like a stop sign and say “How”…

87 If, when you see a man with a mohawk, you assume he’s a punk rocker…

88 If you wear a mohawk, and you’re female…

89 If your “Indian” jewelry is stamped MADE IN THAILAND…

90 If you own many Indian art objects, but have never been to a powwow…

91 If you just adore Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull, but think militant Indians are a disgrace to the red race…

92 If you interrupt an elder and tell him he’s wrong because you read it in a book…

93 If you’re a man, but don’t have footprints on your back from your woman walking all over you…

94 If you want people to call you “Chief,” but you’re not the leader of a police department, fire department, or nation…

95 If you made up your own tribe…

96 If you get annoyed if people are late…

97 If you have no idea why Indians laugh hysterically when they see you on the street…

98 If you willingly pay $300 for an authentic sweat…

99 If you ask a question, then argue with the answer…

100 If you think “freedom of expression” allows you to poke your nose into matters that don’t concern you…

101 If you had a sudden impulse to drive nonstop to the Black Hills and you don’t know anyone there…

102 If you think the Black Hills is the only sacred site in America…

103 If you wear plastic chokers to honor Native Americans…

104 If you wear Native jewelry with your own “special touch”…

105 If you’ve never used an outhouse…

106 If you’re proud of the fact that you can name all five tribes…

107 If none of your relatives has diabetes…

108 If you won’t eat frybread because it has too much fat in it…

109 If you offered me a “talking feather”…

110 If, when entering an argument with an Indian, you attack their method of expression, rather than the points they have…

Score:

Give yourself one point for every one that applies to you:
0-11 Probably a Indian. Have you considered applying for tribal membership?
12-22 Not a twinkie. You can hang around Indians. You might screw up occasionally, but it’s nothing that can’t be reversed.
23-33 Average non-Indian. You’re about the average non-Indian. You won’t get many Indian friends, but co-workers won’t be a problem.
34-44 Recovering twinkie. Read the twelve-step program.
45-110 DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! You probably have cream filling.

6 Responses to You May Be a Twinkie if …

  1. nanlt says:

    I scored an 8. Is it ok that I have been training as a shamanic healer or does that up my points into the DAnger DAnger range? :-) Thanks for following my blog.

    • Ha! Took me a while to figure out what you meant. Having said my piece about the use and abuse of the s-word, I’m not going to bother anyone else about it. It’s hard to get away from the word; maybe if we get out of English? Geistarbeiter sounds really professional!

      • nanlt says:

        I call myself so many thing. Intuitive Healer, Energy healer. Healing Facilitator, Reiki Master, Intuitive Healer, Reiki healer using shamanic healing techniques. Sooner or later, I manage to piss someone off. I’m too old to care any more.

        • “Reiki healer using shamanic healing techniques.” I do that, too. Reiki works well to establish a connection, and to clean up after a healing, but I find it more effective to do clearings and extractions by more direct means.

          • nanlt says:

            So did I which is why I started doing that intuitively many, many years ago. Learning different shamanic techniques served to “refine” some of the methods I used. And, I might add, caused the Norns to take a strong interest in the work I do. They’re always popping in to offer advice and make suggestions these days.

  2. I scored an eight, but as I dated a Mohawk man and a Navajo gentleman (that distinction was due to individual characteristics having nothing to do with their individual heritages) I may have sort have cheated: I already know what I’m gonna be laughed at for :) I lived with the gentleman until he died in my arms. I miss him; it was fun to read this as he would have enjoyed it. He might even have told m what a twinkie is, although I’m pretty sure I can guess :) And my name was meant to be descriptive, not other-cultural.

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